“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.”
--Sharon Anthony Bower
Consider again the workings of assertive communication. The style is one of mutual respect and of concern for the needs expressed by each person in a conversation. Truth is expressed, but it's given with care. Feedback is valued, and those with an assertive style have the confidence to seek it out and absorb its value. Do these ideas match the way that you most often communicate?
The single greatest benefit of assertive communication is that you know that you are respecting others and expecting respect from others when you use it. The second greatest benefit of assertive communication is that you raise the probability of getting what you want.
Two other styles have an audience as well. While either may be useful in a given situation, neither is the healthiest style on an ongoing basis. One is passive communication; the other is aggressive communication. The passive style avoids telling the truth; the aggressive style avoids communicating with care. Those who choose a passive style often are not willing to invest the time and energy needed to deal with issues or with other people. Consequently, they remain silent, even when their views could add valuable insight.
With the aggressive style, tact flies out of the room. The aggressive person is interested in a limited agenda- his own! The aggressive style is more than willing to trump you to get what he wants. An aggressor often uses junk talksm (sarcasm, bullying, ridicule, negative politics) to intimidate and overcome others.
Each one of us probably can see ourselves in at least two of the three communication styles; the opportunity we have is to move toward assertive communication more frequently and consistently.
How did you choose your communication style?
What gets attention gets to be a habit. A basic premise of psychology is that we continue behavior that gets rewarded; and continued behavior becomes a habit. So, if early on, crying and pinching others helped me to get my way, then I'll keep that habit as an adult. I'll just turn crying and pinching into whining and “pinching” others with my words.
Fear. Most of us know something about the “flight or fight” plan when we are scared. When we flee an uncomfortable situation, conflict or awkwardness, we are practicing passive behavior as a response to fear. When we push our way into a confrontation, assuming that our might will get us what we feel is right, then we are practicing aggression as a response to fear.
What you believe to be true about people.
Some of us believe that others are only out to better themselves with no intention for fair play. Some of us believe this because we've had a bad experience with a parent or a boss or someone else who was an influence in our lives. If your belief is that you have to get your share before someone else gets there first, then you might be more likely to try aggressive behaviors to get what you believe is yours.
I didn't know there was a better way. For most of us, a consistently assertive response is a learned response. We need to become aware of the need for assertive communication and its benefits. Then we need to discover information that leads to more mutually respectful communication.
Successful Strategies to Strengthen Your Backbone for Assertiveness:
Journal. Write down daily situations that were obstacles for you, whether in a relationship or in meeting a goal. You can be brief, but identify the situation and your reaction. Was it fair? Was it kind? Was it truthful? Was it effective? What is a different response to note and practice so that you are more assertive in a similar situation?
Take initiative to identify an assertive behavior to try each week. You probably can think of dozens as the days go by, but here are eight to jump start your thinking.
1. Write a note to someone who would value hearing from you.
2. Pick up the phone and call someone to say thank you in a specific way for something that has been done for you.
3. In a room with strangers this week, strike up a pleasant conversation.
4. Read something interesting; take note of a new piece of information. Find a way to share it with someone today.
5. When you meet someone new, commit the name to memory. Use it in your conversation with that person.
6. Offer to take on a new responsibility.
7. Read a book on assertive behavior. One of my favorites is, Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons. It's old, but it's valuable!
8. Ask valuable questions (What is the best use of my time and energy? How can I be helpful to you? What did I learn today that will make me more valuable for tomorrow?)
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671
Date Published :
Sep 3 2006